Parenthood is exhausting. It steals your sleep. Your privacy. Your uninterrupted conversations. Those romantic weekend getaways? Gone. And sex often takes a backseat to the sheer logistics of keeping small humans alive.
But here is the thing: You can still have a love life.
Dr. Ellen Kreidman, author of Is There Sex After Kids?, argues that nurturing your marriage actually makes you better parents. When kids see their parents in love, they feel secure. It’s not about sacrificing the kids to save the marriage. It’s about realizing that a strong partnership is the foundation of a happy family.
Yet, many couples find that the fire goes out once the baby arrives. Why does this happen? And more importantly, how do you reignite it?
Why the Flame Dies After Kids
It isn’t usually one big event. It’s a slow drift. Dr. Ellen identifies three main culprits that turn lovers into roommates.
1. The Identity Shift
Stop calling each other “Mommy” and “Daddy.”
It sounds trivial. It isn’t. When you only speak to your partner in the context of parenting, you reinforce the idea that they are a co-manager of the household, not a sexual being.
“One of the best ways to show your children love is by having a loving relationship with your spouse.”
Use pet names. Remember who they were before the diapers and the tantrums. It sounds cheesy until you try it.
2. Taking Each Other for Granted
Picture this. Your spouse walks in the door. You are on the phone. You are helping a child with homework. You are cooking dinner. You glance up, say “hi,” and keep moving.
When was the last time you greeted your partner like they were the most important person in the world? Like you hadn’t seen them all day?
You have to stop assuming they are there. Treat them with the same enthusiasm you had on the first date. Hug them. Kiss them. Ask about their day. Really listen.
3. The Routine Trap
Sex becomes routine. It happens at the same time. In the same position. With zero foreplay because you’re just too tired.
You don’t have to be extravagant. You just have to be creative.
- Have sex in the living room.
- Try lingerie, even if it’s just for fun.
- Send a flirty text at work.
Break the script.
How to Have a Love Affair With Your Mate
You cannot rely on spontaneity anymore. Spontaneity died with your sleep schedule.
Dr. Ellen insists that scheduling sex is not a failure. It is strategy. Planning creates anticipation. It forces you to prioritize intimacy over chores.
Here is the hard truth: You need to put in three times the effort you did when you were dating.
- One weeknight a week: Just the two of you. No kids.
- One weekend every three months: A mini-vacation without children.
If you aren’t making time, you aren’t prioritizing the relationship. And if the relationship crumbles, the family suffers.
Overcoming the “I Can’t” Excuses
Let’s address the barriers. The excuses are real. The solutions are practical.
“We can’t find a babysitter.”
Guilt is a liar. You worked all day. You deserve a night off. Tell your kids you need “grown-up time.” Let them pick the babysitter. Do it for six months straight. The kids will eventually look forward to the routine. They will sleep better knowing you are happy.
“We don’t have money for a sitter.”
Swap with a neighbor. Or a friend. Or establish a “do not disturb” night.
If you stay in, set up a fort. Movies. Sleeping bags. Popcorn. Breakfast items for the morning. It’s cheaper than a sitter and often more fun for the kids.
“I’m too tired to go out.”
Go anyway.
Going out reduces stress. You will come home energized. You will come home relaxed. Staying home to “rest” often leads to more resentment and fatigue.
“I don’t feel romantic.”
This is common. Juggling work and kids numbs your senses.
Start sending positive messages to yourself. “I love my body.” “I love being touched.” “I love sex.”
Affirmations sound silly until they work. If you can’t get in the mood, try sleeping in each other’s arms. Ask for a massage. See where it goes. Sometimes physical touch leads to emotional connection, which leads to desire.
“There’s not enough time.”
Make it.
Wake up an hour earlier. Stay up an hour later. Divide household responsibilities so you both have pockets of free time.
Feed the kids dinner in a separate room. Have a romantic dinner for two in the living room. It doesn’t have to be fancy. It just has to be intentional.
The Bottom Line
You are not just parents. You are partners. Lovers. Individuals.
It requires work. It requires creativity. It requires saying no to the endless to-do list so you can say yes to each other.
The kids will grow up. They will leave. The house will be quiet.
Do you want to look at your spouse and feel like a stranger? Or do you want to remember who you were before the chaos?
Start today. Pick a name. Schedule a night. Break the routine.
The flame doesn’t have to die. It just needs oxygen.
